I went to a small, catholic university where gossip reigned and rumors of who you were sleeping with spread like wildfire. It felt like these things happened to me more than anyone else. Perhaps because I was blonde and not at all modest, or maybe it was all those times that I was an obnoxious drunk. It could have possibly been due to the fact that I went home with a guy from time to time. Who knows the real reason and there’s no point in speculating, really.
What I do know is that by the end of my freshman year of college I was jaded from the small dating pool my school provided. You can only date so many upper middle class, colorful polo wearing, 20 year old frat guys before you get bored. And of the few decent guys there were to choose from everyone was bound to find out all the dirty details you didn’t want them to know.
I tried suppressing my sexuality and that didn’t work. A slutty 19 year old girl’s gotta eat. So my sexuality started spilling out in odd places. Back then chatroulette.com was huge and we were all using it, drunk, after we got back from parties. If you’re not familiar with chatroulette it’s basically skype, but you get matched up with a random person from anywhere in the world. If you don’t like the person or want to meet someone new you click a button and somebody new appears. I just took the experimentation a bit further and did it alone in my bra.
You’ll meet a lot of different types of people on chatroullette and a lot of them are just erect penises sitting directly in front of the camera. Then there are old guys and of course the frat guys, international students, giggling teenage girls and really cute, young guys from the Netherlands. Or one really cute, young guy from the Netherlands in particular. I’ll call him Jude only because he resembled a young Jude Law mixed with one of the boys from One Direction.
We flirted for a while on chatroulette until I finally gave him my skype username. Thus began my first and only skype relationship.
Jude was so cute and had a perfectly sweet smile. His eyes were brown and dreamy. He played soccer and had perfect abs. He was obsessed with Cheryl Cole to the point where I was insanely jealous of her. We video chatted every single day and actually had things in common. We were both studying economics and would talk about our subjects along with what it would be like if he came to visit me or I came to visit him.
The sex was great. It seems impossible but, for a hopelessly vain young girl, undressing and touching yourself in front of a guy who is absolutely smitten with you is a dream. I felt so completely wanted and adored. It was like getting all the benefits of foreplay without any of the risks of getting pregnant, STDs or worse having more rumors spread about you.
And that was exactly the thing. He was my secret. Nobody knew about him and I wanted to keep it that way. I was embarrassed of both my sexuality and the idea of explaining to people how I met this guy. If my roommate was in the room we’d video chat but would only type to each other. When she left I would start undressing for him and she would come back a little while later to me scrambling to put clothes on.
Our library had these mini “group study” rooms that I would use and lock the door to chat with him. There was a window on the door so I’d have to sneakily give him a peak of the goods or just purposefully wear a low cut top. The sweetest thing to me at the time was that he really didn’t need this. There were times where it would just be us in front of our laptops, studying, and looking up and smiling at each other every once in a while. My secret, skype sex relationship with a guy in the Netherlands whom I’d never met in person was probably my healthiest relationship up to that point.
And I ghosted him. He started talking about paying for a ticket for me to go visit him and I freaked. I told myself I was afraid of being sold into sex slavery or that he wasn’t who he said he was. That wasn’t the case. I skyped him for hours while he was in class, while he did homework, and while he stayed at his parents. That would’ve been a pretty elaborate lie. Honestly, I was afraid of the intimacy that I was only comfortable having across a screen. So at the first thought of it becoming real I got a new skype username and never spoke to him again.