I thought my days of hoe-ing were behind me, but then I used a classic manipulation move in the office to get a coworker to do something I want. It kind of struck me that I’m really good at some of these business tactics for someone who has only been in the workforce for a few years. That’s when it hit me that these were skills I was polishing long before the workforce: these are skills I used to use as a hoe.
Life in the workforce and hoe life are so similar that I’m now even more inclined to promote safe hoe-ing for younger generations. The skills you learn while being a hoe can honestly help you with moving your career forward, without ever having to do any sexual favors. Here is a list I’ve compiled from my short career and my history of being a hoe. I came up with a lot more than I thought I would so I also have a Part II at the bottom of this post.
- Hoe Trait: Make them feel good about themselves
You’re a hoe/former hoe/wannabe hoe, right? If that’s the case, I hope you know how to stroke an ego. I’ve learned that it’s so much more important in the workforce to make someone feel good about themselves, than it is to try to make them feel good about you. The truth is that nobody really gives a shit about you. Trying too hard to impress people is a waste of time and will earn you enemies among your colleagues fast. Everyone only cares about themselves and as far as a hoe analogy: everyone is trying to get on the same few dicks and convince everyone they get the best dick, they don’t have time to worry about you. If you make your coworkers, boss, or CEO feel good about themselves on a regular basis by complimenting them on a presentation or idea, then I guarantee they will have a better opinion of you. It’s science. As the late Maya Angelou once said, “people will never forget how you made them feel.”
At the same time you can’t overdo it. Just like you wouldn’t see a professional hoe dripping over someone, you can’t be a kiss ass. Play it cool. The professional relationships you make are so important to your future and I can’t stress this enough.
- Hoe Trait: Forming alliances with your other hoes
If you’re a hoe it’s likely you’re not alone. You probably have a pack of hoes you hang out with to exchange birth control advice, stories and names of fuckboys. When I began my career I thought the most important connections were the people at the top. In a lot of industries it’s hard to get a lot of visibility with people who have fancy titles. Even if you get the visibility they probably don’t really care about you and might not even remember you. You certainly aren’t going to help them get to their next position, so they probably don’t care about getting you to your next position.
The most important connections I made were with the people I worked closely with and that had similar titles to me. It seems counterintuitive since we were all after the same thing, but that’s exactly it: you guys all want the same thing and you can help each other get there. It’s likely your coworkers will eventually be promoted or move around and eventually these will be your resources or references. Be nice to them, exchange helpful information and cheer each other on. Life is hard out there for a hoe and you will need all the support you can get.
- Hoe Trait: Never be too loyal
I am not telling you to backstab your other hoes. That goes against hoe law. No, I am telling you not to be loyal to the dick (or pussy, or whatever you prefer). Your employer will fire you if they have to cut back, or are doing a department rearrangement, or are outsourcing your job. Be a good employee, but don’t be more loyal to them than they are to you. I know a lot of people that, after some time at the same job, feel inclined to stay out of duty. Do what is best for you and your career. Helping the company, most times, can help you, but if that’s not the case anymore you need to leave. Don’t have a false relationship with your job.
- Hoe Trait: Have someone on the side in case your relationship doesn’t work out
This one just expands on the last one, but have a backup plan. If you’re a true hoe, then you have at least one or two people to fall back on if your current plan doesn’t work out. You know those hoes I told you to stay close with a few lessons back? It’s entirely possible one of them left for another company. If that’s the case I suggest you keep in contact with them, because even if you love your job you never know if you’ll need another. These connections are instrumental in your career. It’s embarrassing to have to ask a coworker or connection you haven’t spoken with in years to help you get a position. It’s a much better idea to keep in contact with people on a regular basis. Also, keep your resume up to date and constantly think of ways to expand your skills and experiences with the job you have now so you’re prepared for the next one that may come around.
- Hoe Trait: Use protection
Put your story out there. I can’t say this enough: PUT YOUR STORY OUT THERE. I don’t care if you’re lazy as hell and manipulate other people to do your work (great hoe tactic, btw); you design your narrative and people need to believe it. You need to come across as a competent, in control individual who has their shit together, because one day a jealous hoe is going to come around spreading the opposite about you. Be prepared for that. It’s a lot easier to lay the groundwork for a good reputation than it is to do damage control. Whatever your brand is, whatever you want to convey: make sure people know it and believe it. This is the best way I know to protect yourself from rumors, because not everyone out there is following the hoe law of watching out for their other hoes.
- Hoe Trait: Convey confidence
I feel this one doesn’t need too much explanation. It’s important, as a hoe, to be confident at all times. While the story of an insecure hoe may be sad, it also makes you much more vulnerable to be preyed upon. Convey confidence because that’s what will get you the dick, or in this case the promotion.
- Hoe Trait: Using social media to meet people
I know hoes often use tinder, twitter, facebook, or any social media to meet people they intend on hoe-ing. I don’t recommend tinder for professional needs, but definitely stay connected with colleagues, classmates, old friends and professors on LinkedIn, twitter or Facebook. This is another thing I completely overlooked. After I graduated college I never wanted to see most of my professors again and would have happily blocked their faces from my life. Then, one day, I needed a letter of reference for a graduate school I was applying to and had to contact a professor I hadn’t seen or connected with in years. If you have a LinkedIn I suggest adding everyone you know and posting a Forbes article, or something you are interested in from time to time. It doesn’t seem like much, but it’ll increase your profile views and people will see you as an active professional.
I also remember thinking when I graduated that LinkedIn would never help me get a job. That was for “real professionals”, not entry level employees. I was found and contacted by my current manager directly on LinkedIn for an interview and was offered a dream job a few weeks later. Use LinkedIn!!